Susan’s story: from shaky foundations to rock solid in Christ

(Trigger warning: this story mentions suicide and self-harm)

Sat on the floor. Tears streaming down my face. Looking at the cutlery drawer.

“Can I do it? I want to do it. But I’m scared. 

“I know I shouldn’t. But at least they’ll understand how I feel then. Maybe then someone will help me.

“No. I won’t… I won’t… I won’t… 

“People do care about me… don’t they? 

“I am loved… aren’t I? 

“JUST DO IT! 

“Aaaaagh… Please stop it brain!”

That was me a year ago. I’d thought my mental health struggles were over and I’d waved goodbye to suicidal thoughts and self-harming behaviour forever. 

Clearly not. 

This is my story – how my walk with Jesus has helped and continues to help me live life to the full despite the emotional ups and downs. 

Perhaps you’re thinking, “Well, obviously she’s OK. She’s a Christian. Doesn’t that mean you’re automatically alright?”

Nope. This is what actually happened…

Before I was a Christian

Life before I became a Christian was pretty good. I enjoyed school, playing tennis, and family life. I went to Uni to study geology and thrived living ‘up north’ (Durham). What followed were fossiling adventures in some far-flung places, mountain climbing around the UK and generally lots of fun.

But then my Grandad died.

He was the first person close to me who’d gone, and I didn’t deal with it well. I believe it triggered depression, although I didn’t realise it at the time.

It also triggered my search for Jesus. I suddenly wanted to know whether this Christianity thing I’d discovered at Uni could possibly be true. Ultimately, I decided, “Yes.” But what I didn’t bank on was that life would also get harder at this point…

Life as a new Christian

“What’s this all about then?” I thought, “Isn’t life supposed to get easier when you become a Christian, when you trust Jesus as the person in charge of everything?”

In my case the depression just got worse and worse. I was exercising like mad and practically starving myself at times. My moods were up and down and all over the place, and I couldn’t concentrate at all some days. Yet Jesus was supposed to be looking after me!

Ultimately things got so bad I started having suicidal thoughts and the only thing I wanted to do was overdose. No-one was helping me, including Jesus, and I had to get control of my emotions somehow. Landing myself in hospital to escape normal life seemed the only solution at that point. 

In hindsight, I can also see things weren’t all fluffy bunnies before I became a Christian. In the sixth form at school I’d had the occasional strange episode in lessons where I couldn’t stop crying or engage with others, which sometimes left the teachers flummoxed. 

And at Uni, while I loved my course, had plenty of friends and enjoyed exploring the outdoors, I was still not right emotionally. My brain kept pushing and pushing me to work harder because I had to get a 1st. I needed to show everyone I was worth something and because I’d grown up in an intellectual family, academic achievement seemed like the best option.

Don’t get me wrong, I played hard at Uni too, but there was always this nagging fear, “What if I don’t get a 1st? How will I manage life then?”

Clearly I had some underlying issues… 

My shaky foundation

I’m not going to explain the detail of what caused my depression, but stuff happened. And it led me to believe negative things about myself: “I’m not worth helping, I’m useless and will never be good enough, I should stay quiet and never ever rock the boat.” It was too hard dealing with my resultant emotions, so I supressed them instead and became depressed.

I didn’t do it on purpose – it happened unconsciously as my brain tried to find a way to help me manage life. But I ended up believing, “I have to be the best at everything I do.”

“All the time.”

I was trying to prove my worth to the world all while believing I was rubbish. No wonder I struggled!

So why did Jesus let things get so bad when I became a Christian? 

I believe Jesus knew I had these deep-seated negative (and wrong) beliefs about myself, and they needed overturning before I could truly live. The only way to deal with them was with His help. If I hadn’t become a Christian when I did, dealing with depression would have been so much harder.

And because I was new to the faith I hadn’t had much guidance on how to live it out – I hadn’t yet received much discipleship. So I didn’t understand how Jesus could help me. I also hadn’t had time to get to know other Christians properly before being thrust onto my emotional rollercoaster.

On top of this, the way my mind was behaving meant it was nearly impossible to open up with the very people in my church who could have been a great support.

Eventually however, things did change, and I got the support and discipleship I needed…

How Jesus healed and continues to heal me today

Now, the good news… 

12 years after full-blown depression began, I was healed! God spoke to me early one morning and I knew in my heart those troubling core beliefs had gone. 

Forever.

For the first time I understood deeply that I am worth something – God’s adopted me as His child (John 1:12) and He’s chosen me (e.g. John 15:16). Wow! I am not useless – in fact, I’m so awesome that He wants me to work with Him in all He does (2 Cor 6:1). And even if I do rock the boat at times, I can never be separated from His love (Rom 8:35-39).

While I’d been able to live my life well again for quite a few months thanks to some excellent medical intervention (psychotherapy, medication etc), only after God spoke could I stop treading on the proverbial eggshells. Only then could I cast aside the fear that depression might come back.

I was free!

Yet it still took me a while to believe I was better and live as though I was. I got very confused at times when my mind span out of control. 

When my teaching career didn’t work out, I became incredibly anxious, low and very scared I was depressed again. But actually, I just hadn’t learned to look to Jesus for help. I wasn’t asking Him daily to renew my mind (Rom 12:2) as I thought I only had to do this once.

In reality I needed to retrain my brain because such deeply entrenched ways of thinking could not be shifted overnight.

But now, I’m pleased to say, because of loving Christian discipleship I’m much less likely to let myself spiral down into the darkness. I’m better able to prevent feelings of complete overwhelm and full-on brain collapse.

While I do still find my emotions hard to manage at times, the support and care from my current church family means I increasingly trust Jesus and am more balanced overall.

Recently when some extreme life challenges all came at once – work stress, hormones, a chronic health condition, financial worries and family ups and downs – and did their best to topple me (see start of this post), I overcame the dark thoughts and won that particular battle for my mind.

So yes, external circumstances do still cause me emotional upheaval at times. But my old negative beliefs have been replaced with the truth. Everything I do now stems from a rock-solid foundation – Christ in me. Yay!

So that’s my story…

Just one example showing how complex our mental health can be. And that faith in Christ doesn’t automatically mean you won’t have troubles (John 16:33). 

But I believe when you’re a follower of Christ and walk closely with Him day-by-day you’ll also be able to deal with anything life throws your way. 

God bless xx

[If you’d like to write a guest blog sharing your own personal story, I’d love to hear from you. Just email me at susan@creationlifeadventure.co.uk or fill in my webform]